Humor - Fire or Non-Fire Related

[Pit Turtle]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette,

"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh.....no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH!

The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell,

"Jump! You have to jump!"

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Not until you put the blanket down and back away!" yelled the Blonde.

[Quadchic]

:clap:Nice! :clap:Good I'm not a blonde..

[IRESQ4KIKS]

A mans daughter comes home from college after a full year of being away from home. She is sitting with her father when a presidential ad comes on TV. The daughter starts asking her father about his political views.

Dad says, "Honey, I have been a republican all my life, through thick and thin. I spent my time in the Army, served my country and I will stand behind her till I am gone."

Daughter, whichhad made herown political viewsin the new to her college atmoshphere, says, "DAD!!! Bush is tearing our country apart and Kerry is it's only hope! Republicans are warmongers waiting for a place to fight. And they don't care about the little man. Give to the rich and let the poor go to hell, they don't help the little man. The minorities need government help because they can't make it on their own.Republicans won't help them, electing a Democrat is the only hope."

Dad replies with some remarks about the REAL Kerry, and seemingly changes the subject by asking how she did in school this year.

Daughter goes, " I got a 4.0!!! I studies my brains out, tried real hard and didn't settle for anything less. I was kind of upset that I didn't get to go hang out with my friends as much as I would have liked to since I studies all the time.My friends joked with me about being a nerd."

Dad says, "That is great baby! I amglad to hear you buckled down and focussed on school. By the way, howdid your friend that went to school with you, Beth, do this year?"

"Terrible!"The daughter replies. "She might not be allowed back next year. She got a 2.0.Beth seemed not to studyvery much and was always going out with people she would meet and partied alot. She spent very few weekends studying, even during finals and mid-terms. I don't know what she was thinking."

Dad said, "Here is an idea, why don't you find a way to donate Beth some points? You could give her a full point that way you would both have a 3.0 and be welcomed back to school in the fall."

Daughter scolds, "No way, that isn't fair at all! I worked extremely hard to get my grades, Beth screwed around the whole year. It would not be fair at all for me to give her something I worked so hard for when she did nothing!"

Dad says serenly, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Author unknown

[TPottiger]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it
did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned
loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and
collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate
on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[Pit Turtle]

Maybe the dispatcher should've asked more questions:

[FirstResponder04]

:clap:That last one was a good one.. Ieven saved it tomy desktop

[Rescue Co. Man]

Heres a good one! Called TWO NAKED BIKERS



"Send someone over quickly! the old woman screamed into the phone.

"Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!


"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[Rescue Co. Man]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store
on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.

....... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Rescue Co. Man]

911 calls

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.... What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheesesandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it.

==============================

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
turkey? I've never cooked one before.

===============================

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you, sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my
tires and ...... well, would the Fire Dept. come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my tires!
--------------------------------------------------


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

=====================================


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!!

=====================================

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. "Oh
man!"...I think I'm going to pass out."
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Oh man!......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

[JohnnyKnoxville]

Jr members, now theres a great joke !!!! If you don't know what I mean, visit some of your surrounding daycares, I mean departments.. I always get those two mixed up..


JK

[97C1]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"


For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
The plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
On TV, the old man shouted ...




"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[bear10retired]

tis the season or basically.."el sicko"
PETA upset at Six Flags roach-eating contest




September 24, 2006 (GURNEE, Ill.) - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Six Flags Great America to scrap its Halloween-themed cockroach-eating promotion. A spokeswoman for the animal rights organization says the contest at the amusement park's FrightFest is "gratuitously cruel."
The park in Gurnee, Illinois, is joining other Six Flags parks in offering unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who eats a live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The bugs are up to three inches long.
The contest begins next month. Amusement park officials are defending their menu choice. Great America spokesman Jim Taylor says the bugs are nutritious, high in protein and fat free.

On the Net:


Six Flags, http://www.sixflags.com
PETA, http://www.peta.org
(Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.)


left out the file pix...

[Rescue Co. Man]

http://www.break.com/jackass2/jackas...ose_rodeo.html

[bear10retired]

Drunk and Disorderly Bear ON APPLE..... "SAUCE"...




October 4, 2006 - Colorado Division of Wildlife Officers were called to a school near Boulder on Tuesday to deal with a drunk and disorderly... bear.
That's right a drunken bear.
The wobbly bear was spotted in a neighborhood in Lyons, near Boulder and she was having a hard time walking. Officers say the bear was probably drunk from eating fermented apples. They say this is the time of year the bears eat constantly to store fat for their winter hibernation.
The bear was near Lyons Elementary School as the students were arriving for class, so they were rushed into the school gym and kept there as a precaution. Officers used a bean bag gun to stun the bear and then tranquilized her. She will be tagged and returned to the wild after she has slept it off. We imagine



ABC NEWS...

[RAMIUS]

Subject: Fw: Philosophy of sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve
Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." --Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn
Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's
reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." --Jack
Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US
First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++

[ldrco195]

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL HUMOR


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"



"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."



Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."



Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[bear10retired]

for all the abuse, comments, of which toleration of such is a gif(t).JPG. here is below... SEASONS GREETINGS..*





* IF IT WORKS....JPG.. opps one better...

[BillyO]

UPSorCPR.wmv

New resuscitation method ?

[Rescue Co. Man]

Girls Night Out!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[bear10retired]

FUNNY OR NOT.. THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE......... Carjacker Crashes, Gets Lost, Calls Cops...

[97C1]

If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood thirty feet.
(OMG!)

A pig's orgasm lasts thirty minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[97C1]

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Knock]

Hey chief, not all of us are getting old and can't read regular size letters....!!! lol

[wmpenn667]

Country Logic

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself."When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[Quadchic]

Chris your awful! Ha ha. thanks for the laugh.

[Quadchic]

Heres a small one:



Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

B/c she was throwing out all the W's. :?

[Pit Turtle]

[LilKienz46]

EPFD,

Very nice. I think I saw that before somewhere but it will never get old! Thanks!

[LilKienz46]

There was a brunette and 11 blondes hanging on a rope that was off the edge of a cliff. One of them had to jump or they would all crash to the ground and die. The brunette began with her heartfelt story on how she would be the one to jump and she was going to sacrifice herself for everyone. At the end of her speech, all the blondes were touched by her intentions to jump and clapped!

[fightinNhookin21]

you are a blonde ashley so how do u think those are funny... Well how do you get a one armed blonde chick to fall from a tree.......Just wave to her

[LilKienz46]

too bad i'm not a blonde! good try though!:clap:

[Itsajeepthing57]

SUREEE!!!!!!!!! HEY homie

[Pit Turtle]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded intoflames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

[just4kix]

New Glossary Terms for the office working folks;

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the the boss rather than working hard.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching.

Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that your've just mad a BIG mistake.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Praire Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

[Pit Turtle]

A guy is driving across country trying to get home for Christmas.

As he passes through Mississippi he sees a Nativity Pageant and notices the three wise men are dressed as firemen.

He stops and asks, "Hey--why are you guys dressed up like that?" to which the biggest bubba replies, "You yankees sure are dumb. It says right here in the song that three strangers came from afar."

[Pit Turtle]

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squadgot there it was too late, the man had died.

While consolingthe wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess.

He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

[just4kix]

CORPORATE LESSON 31

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quidkly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in from of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel an goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor, " she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[97C1]

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Let's be careful out there!:cool2:

[Pit Turtle]

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

[Pit Turtle]

During his spare time, my brother, an attorney, volunteers
on his town's fire and rescue squad. When I mentioned this
to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let me get this straight.
Your brother is a lawyer AND an EMT? So he doesn't have to
chase the ambulance; he's already in it?"

[just4kix]

CORPORATE LESSON #2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a good look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily reached over and slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[BlazeKing3555]

Whoooops...............



A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing!"


Subject: Computer joke

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, p.e.n.i.s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Two women had gone for a girl's' night out, but had been decidedly over
Enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they
stopped in
the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off
her
Panties and used them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and
Did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to salvage a large
ribbon
from a wreath on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with
That.

After all this, they proceeded home.

The next day, one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband
and
Said, "These girl's nights out have to stop. My wife came home with
no
panties on!"

"That's nothing!", said the other husband. "My wife came home with a
card
stuck in the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire
Station. We will never forget you!"

[Rescue Co. Man]

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular

one? You have to hollow out the head.

2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the


prescription bottles in the typewriters.

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM Radio? It took her a month to

realize she could play it at night.

4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring

Training.

5. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her.

6. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries.



7. Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.

8. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.



9. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammer.
10. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air? She missed.


11. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer.

12. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read

that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

13. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

14. Why are Orientals so smart? No blondes.


15. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.



AMERICAN LIFE BY 2007!!!

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."



Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."



Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"



Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."



Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"



Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"



Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."



Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."



Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."



Customer: "Whaddya mean?"



Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."



Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"



Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza I'm sure you'll like it."



Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"



Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."



Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"



Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $4999."



Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."



Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."



Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."



Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"



Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"



Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."



Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"



Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."



Customer: (Speechless)



Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"



Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters
of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."



Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us from offering free soda to diabetics."

[Rescue Co. Man]

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

! Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of ! China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is ! the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last lo nger when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in ! his pocket

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance in the USA.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.


....................Now you know everything



She Was Soooooo Blonde.....

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes in Front".




IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair
people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I
asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman
asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for
my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name
on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why,
she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason:
"too many deer were being hit by cars"
and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the servicedepartment and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively triedthe door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already
got that side."

[Pit Turtle]

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.''

The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.''

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.''

[Pit Turtle]

Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my
husband and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for
dinner after a call at the end of the day.

I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes,
and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting
my head hard.

When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside
me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and
asked, "What was that?"

"My pager," I said. "I am 911."

*****

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed
out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street,
where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by
helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows
on them...

[just4kix]

Common everyday items look neutral to you. But many of them have a gender. For example:

*ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

*A copier is female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective device if you push the right buttons but can wreak havoc if you push the the wrong buttons

*A tire has to be male, because it goes bald and is often is over-inflated.

*A Hot Air Balloon is definitely a male; to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

*sponges are female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

*A webpage is female, because it's always getting hit on.

*A Subway is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

*An hourglass has to be a female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

*A hammer is male: it hasn't evolved much over 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

*The remote is a female AHA! You thought it'd be male, but, consider: it gives a man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, but keeps trying.

[res5cue]

If you get affended bysex jokes please DO NOT READ THIS

What does arubber and aHot chick have in common???? They both spend more time in your wallet then on your dick.

[Rescue Co. Man]

Heres A List for you to do at Wal-Mart the next time you go.

************************************************** ************************************************** *************










15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse / shopping partner is taking

their sweet time:


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cartswhen they

aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading totherestrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code 3 in

housewares" ...and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell othershoppers you'll

invite them in if they bring pillows from thebedding.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you

people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror andpick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk ifhe knows

where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from

"Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size

funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

"PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position

and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and thenyell loudly

"There is no toilet paper in here

************************************************** ************************************************** *********

[Rescue Co. Man]

[Rescue Co. Man]

[rescue68]

res5cue wrote:

If you get affended bysex jokes please DO NOT READ THIS

What does arubber and aHot chick have in common???? They both spend more time in your wallet then on your dick.

that's to funny

[rescue68]

also trace I like numbers 1, 6, 9,10 and 11 I'll have to try them next time.

[Red Rider]

http://www.geoffellis.com/ebay.html

This is hillarious!:clap::clap:

[Red Rider]

Even though this is in Spanish, you still get the point! LMAO!:P
http://fun.sdinet.de/flash/games/metelev1_01.swf

[firebabe46]

Red,


very nice...and you found that where?!?!

[Red Rider]

A friend(yes, I do have one or two)...LOL!:P

[firebabe46]

Red,

wow! thats impressing!! Just Kiddin buddy!!!:P..

[eng102ine]

Now this is funny

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/sovereignty.mov

[FirstResponder04]

Onions and Christmas Trees.
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of Breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but Hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?""Yes, see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum , how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration
only.