Humor - Fire or Non-Fire Related

[97C1]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[97C1]

The Golden Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.
In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother
that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was
stuck with it.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw
the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and
thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a
swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was
thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought
a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a
giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come.
He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and
the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been
removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During
the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window,
bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the
screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw
lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel,
and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: don't screw around with things you don't
understand -- you could lose your a**.

[EMTChick24]

The Talented Parrot

A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy. "
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says.
"Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

[Just Put Water On It]

I heard this from a female so that said


Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?


So he can be open minded.....

[SQUAD RIDER]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to You?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that..."

[SQUAD RIDER]

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily. "Three hundred bucks," replied the young man. Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay - now get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?" "He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza..."

[Bud]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at
the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly
at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, do you mind
if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best Okie manner says, "Nah, go ahead"

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he
immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[Bud]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears.

"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the f**k away from me!!

[chief 63-2]

A fire chief died and went to heaven. When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates. He told himself, "I am a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line." He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in, I'm a fire chief." The angels replied, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir." While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF." The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was really upset now and went to talk to the angels. He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?" To which the angels replied, "You have it all wrong, sir. That's GOD, he just thinks he's a fire chief."



Question: What does CHAOS stand for?? Answer: The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.

[chief 63-2]

The Ten Commandments of Rolling Code

1. Thou shalt treat thy pumper as though it were your firstborn child.

2. Blow thy siren and shine thy light with great vigor enroute.

3. Know where thy goest at all times.

4. Be certain all those in attendance are affixed prior to venturing forth.

5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

6. Be ever so humble when thy mic is keyed.

7. Thou shalt not leave thy station 'til thy door is openeth.

8. Thou shalt not closeth thy bay door too soon.

9. Thou shalt closeth all compartment doors when thou art done.

10. Thou shalt never chastise thy driver for making a wrong turn when it results in a return to the firehouse.

[EMTChick24]

~*~ For those of us that don't feel as "high tech" as everyone else..lol ~*~

Thre women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When finished, she explained, that it was her mobile phone. She has a microchip in her hand.


The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.


She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said.. Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax!!

[Dirty D]

A Texan is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby
notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I
have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued
woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The
Texan explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The
lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken because I am wearing panties!'' The Texan smirks, taps his watch
and says, "Damn thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a
drink?

[doc]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

" The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Halligan46]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

" The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

now thats funny, wrong, but funny.

[97C1]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works: Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

[Admiral]

Chief, your a gluten for punishment! ROFLMAO

[chief 63-2]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Here's how the scam works: Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

Well, if you are like me and married, the only thing you lost was a wallet with no money in it. LMAO...that got me good.

[wmpenn667]

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon Baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu! I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!


NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER..

[97C1]

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." ?"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband re ad the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[etsmyers]

NICE!!!!

How about this redneck power wheel chair

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=132665

[J Snyder]

NICE!!!!

How about this redneck power wheel chair

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=132665

OMG!! LMAO!!!!

[wmpenn667]

...How about this redneck power wheel chair?

Not Redneck, prolly an ex-Marine:

"Improvise, Adapt, & Overcome"

[EMTChick24]

NICE!!!!

How about this redneck power wheel chair

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=132665

Now that's just funny anyway you look at it. When I first saw it, I'm thinking.. why the hell does they have a lawn mower infront of the wheelchair. That is just priceless

[97C1]

THIS REALLY PUTS IT INTO PERSPECTIVE!

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work; stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control
department at Johnson & Johnson’!

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[rjemtp]

Why does the Easter bunny hide Easter eggs?
.
.
.
.
He doesn't want anybody to know he's banging a chicken!!!

[etsmyers]

OK, what a better way to get my 2,000th post, than to post a link to a nice risque video.

If I needed to rate it, PG, PG-13ish, so if you are prudish, stay away!

http://www.gumly.com/media/145/Remem...cucumber-has-b

[chief 63-2]

OK, what a better way to get my 2,000th post, than to post a link to a nice risque video.

If I needed to rate it, PG, PG-13ish, so if you are prudish, stay away!

http://www.gumly.com/media/145/Remem...cucumber-has-b

Oh my...LMFAO

[Rescue Co. Man]

Man Writes Check on 2-Ply Toilet Paper


Last updated: Friday, March 28, 2008 4:45 PM EDT


BINGHAMTON, N.Y. - A man disputing his water bill is not being allowed to pay with a check written on toilet paper. Ron Borgna, who is disputing the $2,509.66 bill, wrote a check on floral print, two-ply toilet paper Wednesday.

The disagreement began in September 2006 when Borgna received a $422.90 water bill. Borgna claims he was overbilled. With additional charges, penalties and late fees that bill has grown.

Binghamton city officials refused to accept the check. After a short argument, Borgna was escorted out of the building, the Binghamton Press & Sun-Bulletin reported.

Borgna says he is appealing the judgment against him in small claims court.

A service of the Associated Press(AP)
http://www.cumberlink.com/articles/2.../d8vmkuno2.txt

[Rescue Co. Man]

Man Wakes Up Inside a Garbage Truck


Last updated: Friday, March 28, 2008 5:45 PM EDT


MUNCIE, Ind. - A man nearly crushed inside a garbage truck told police he can't recall how he ended up inside a trash bin _ and then the truck _ after a night of drinking with friends.

William M. Bowen, 27, awoke about 6:30 a.m. Thursday to find that he was inside a commercial trash-collection truck filled with waste.

A Rumpke garbage truck driver had emptied a bin behind the Muncie Eye Center into his truck and was about to activate its trash compressor when he heard someone screaming.

"He looked up and this gentleman was standing out the top of our truck," said Larry Green, market safety supervisor for Rumpke.

Green said the only thing Bowen said to the driver who found him was that he was cold.

"This gentleman was extremely intoxicated," he said.

Bowen told police the last thing he remembers before waking up in the truck was drinking with buddies about 3 a.m. Thursday at a Muncie bar.

Bowen, who wouldn't tell police who his drinking pals were, was treated and released with minor injuries from Ball Memorial Hospital.

Green said Bowen was lucky that wasn't seriously injured or killed in the trash compressor.

"I'm just glad it turned out the way it did," Green said. "We didn't have a body that was dead. We had a body that was talking."

There was no telephone listing for Bowen in the Muncie area.

Information from: The Star Press, http://www.thestarpress.com

A service of the Associated Press(AP)

http://www.cumberlink.com/articles/2.../d8vmlp3o0.txt

I wouldn't know how he gotten there either!

[Rescue Co. Man]

Woman Crashes Into Water, Saves Coffee


Last updated: Friday, March 28, 2008 11:45 AM EDT


OAKLAND, Calif. - A woman is safe after losing control of her car and accidently driving into the waters of the Oakland Estuary. But on the upside, she saved her morning coffee.

Authorities say the car went into the water a little after 6 a.m. Thursday after its 22-year-old driver apparently lost control of her car while reaching for a cell phone.

After the car became lodged in stilts under a home on the water, the driver was able to get out of the car and make it back to shore.

Onlookers say she came ashore still cradling her coffee cup.

Information from: KNTV-TV

[wmpenn667]

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Steven Wright

[grunt30]

I found destructo's old chief buggy-

[EMTChick24]

OH MY GOD...LOL Now, that's just funny. All it needs is lights. It's good to go and can be put in service Can you imagine calling THAT into county..

Bicycle (whatever your number is) responding..

That's just funny

[wmpenn667]

OH MY GOD...LOL Now, that's just funny. All it needs is lights. It's good to go and can be put in service Can you imagine calling THAT into county..

Bicycle (whatever your number is) responding..

That's just funny

Hey! The cops use 'em, why not us? Saves fuel, too!!!

[dotsresq]

yea you could pull a hose cart behind and lay in to the scene and not get in the way of the truck.

[EMTChick24]

Hey! The cops use 'em, why not us? Saves fuel, too!!!

Didn't think of it that way.. also it would save on inspections too. Don't have to worry about it breakin' down on ya on the way to fires or trainings. The only problem would be if ya get that ONE individual that dont know how to ride a bike. But, that's easily remedied... Put 'em through drivers training..LOL.

[Firefightersinaction]

Did anybody ever posted this video here? LOL

[97C1]

If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood thirty feet.
(OMG!)

A pig's orgasm lasts thirty minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[97C1]

I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Knock]

Hey chief, not all of us are getting old and can't read regular size letters....!!! lol

[wmpenn667]

Country Logic

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself."When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[SQUAD RIDER]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous engineering challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[SQUAD RIDER]

Thought it was the NBA.
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws
each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


You gotta pass this one on!

[SQUAD RIDER]

Subject: Father Daughter talk One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her year
of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her
father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her
father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare. He
stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she
had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never
had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the
studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her friend
Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on
campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for
classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't
go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and
give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a
3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really
hard for mine and my friend has done nothing". After a moment of silence,
she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again".

[SQUAD RIDER]

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.


She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............and he left it there all night.

[SQUAD RIDER]

THE SHEPHERD AND HIS FLOCK A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the shepherd said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog.

[SQUAD RIDER]

OLD TOWN INDIANS
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell
the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and
that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an
idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one
of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."

[SQUAD RIDER]

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the
US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have observed
the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material
wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering
all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and
then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night screwing women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[EMTChick24]

True story from Houston Medical Center ...
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[97C1]

Cardiologist Died

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

[Just Put Water On It]

THINGS THAT WE OWE TO OUR MOTHERS ...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about "

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU !!!!!

[Just Put Water On It]

The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old
> >>> woman for most of her life finally retired. At her
> >>> next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
> >>> list of all the medicines that had been prescribed
> >>> for her. As the young doctor was looking through
> >>> these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
> >>> prescription for birth control pills.
> >>>
> >>> 'Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH
> >>> CONTROL pills?
> >>> 'Yes, they help me sleep at night.'
> >>> 'Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely
> >>> NOTHING in these that could possibly help you
> >>> sleep!'
> >>>
> >>> She reached out and patted the young doctor's
> >>> knee. 'Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I
> >>> grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
> >>> that my 16 year old granddaughter
> >>> drinks...............And believe me, it helps me
> >>> sleep at night.'
> >>>
> >>> You gotta love Grandmas!

[Just Put Water On It]

Subject: “SICK LEAVE”


CHINESE SICK LEAVE
'I NO COME WORK TODAY'

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.
I no come work.'

The boss says, 'I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon........................ You got nice house!'

[Just Put Water On It]

Salesman...


A young guy from Ohio moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Ohio'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down, 'How many
customers bought something from you today?

The kid s! ! ! ays ' one'.

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65'

The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid sai! ! ! d 'No , the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing........'

[Just Put Water On It]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**



**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**




**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**




**After a brief pause,**




**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**




**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**




Brief Pause.




**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**




**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**




**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**




**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**




**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**




**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**




**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**




**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**




*****Long Pause*****





*****Longer Pause*****





*****Even Longer Pause*****




**Then Daddy says,**




**'Swimming pool? ...........**




**Is this 486-5731?'*




**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

[Just Put Water On It]

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"




Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.




At the third red light, the same thing happens again.




All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"




When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.




When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.



He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...




"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

[Just Put Water On It]

The Drug Problem in America


The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''

I replied: "I had a drug problem when I was young":


I was drug to church on Sunday morning.


I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.


I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.


I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.


I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the p! ! ! reach er, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
! ! ! ;&nbs p;

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood;


and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America would be a better place !!!
________________________________________

[Just Put Water On It]

IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason:
'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman, KS




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied , 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.




IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS






IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in -the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.





IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.






IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi




STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE

[Just Put Water On It]

All joked out.............

[Just Put Water On It]

Catholic Shampoo~
> > While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass
> > by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other
> > if she would like a beer.
> >
> > The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice
> > to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
> > purchasing it.
> >
> > The first nun replied that she would handle that without a
> > problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the
> > cashier.
> >
> > The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,
> > 'This is for washing our hair.'
> >
> > Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
> > counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with
>> the beer.
> >
> > 'The curlers are on me.'