Humor - Fire or Non-Fire Related

[ldrco195]

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL HUMOR


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"



"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."



Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."



Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[bear10retired]

for all the abuse, comments, of which toleration of such is a gif(t).JPG. here is below... SEASONS GREETINGS..*





* IF IT WORKS....JPG.. opps one better...

[BillyO]

UPSorCPR.wmv

New resuscitation method ?

[grunt30]

$hit! - I haven't been trained in ups yet! Any training sessions soon?

[grunt30]

So one day little Jill brought up the famous question- Mommy, Where I come from? Her mother replyed God. Her daughter then asks and did you and daddy come from god too? Mother replys of course dear. Jill says, So did grammy and pap-pap come from god as well? Mother again replys- yes dear. And what about grammy and pap-pap's parents? Did they also come from god? Mother replys yes dear, why do you ask?
Jill comments- So you mean to tell me that this family hasn't had sex for over 200 years?

[grunt30]

Misc. video's worth checking out-
http://www.nothingtoxic.com/media/11...ht_into_a_Hole

http://www.nothingtoxic.com/media/11...nds_Per_Minute

[capt42-1]

Enjoy
http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2442

[Rescue Co. Man]

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

[bear10retired]

SOME TIMES ITS HARD TO UNDER STAND THE MENTALITY OF WHEN COs DOWN SIZE OR LAY OFF AFTER XMAS.. THIS SIMPLE CHART BELOW COULD BE THE REASON WHY.. AS SUCH ITS NO REFLECTION ON ANY ONE UPON WHICH IT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR.. BUT.....

[Rescue Co. Man]

Girls Night Out!

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[bear10retired]

FUNNY OR NOT.. THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE......... Carjacker Crashes, Gets Lost, Calls Cops...

[grunt30]

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

ebaumsworld.com

[bcressler]

>Redneck Man's pick up lines
>
>1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
>
>2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
>
>3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.
>
>4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.
>
>5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
>
>6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
>
>7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a
>light switch away.
>
>8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say
>something that would break the ice."
>
>9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer
bed-rock.
>
>10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
>inta this cheap motel room.
>
>11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
>12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
>
>and.... the best for last!
>
>13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
>tighten up.

[grunt30]

Little Ralphy-

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy,
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.", Then little Ralphy says, "I have a question for YOU."
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Ralphy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f.... difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful."
Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go."
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
>of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f.... beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Ralphy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Ralphy answered, "No, he minded his own f..... business.
I LOVE LITTLE RALPHY!!!!!

[grunt30]

bust on bush- very funny video - http://www.break.com/index/harlan_mc...eechalist.html

[TVF]

Medical Terms for Rednecks

BENIGN................................WHAT YOU BE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT
ARTERY...............................THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA............................BACK DOOR TO CAFETERIA.
BARIUM...............................WHAT YOU DO WITH A PERSON WHEN HE DIES
CESAREAN SECTION.............A NEIGHBORHOOD IN ROME.
CATscan...............................SEARCHING FOR YOUR KITTY.
CAUTERIZE..........................MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HER.
COMA..................................A PUNCTUATION MARK
D&C....................................WHERE BILL CLINTON LIVES
DILATE...............................TO LIVE LONG.
ENEMA................................NOT A FRIEND
FESTER...............................QUICKER THAN SOMEONE ELSE
FIBULA................................A SMALL LIE
GENITAL.............................NON-JEWISH PERSON
G.I. SERIES.........................WORLD SERIES OF MILITARY BASEBALL
HANGNAIL..........................WHERE YOU PUT YOUR COAT IN THE CLOSET
IMPOTENT..........................DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
MEDICAL STAFF..................A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID.............................A HIGHER OFFER THAN I BID
NITRATES..........................CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE.................................I KNEW IT
PAP SMEAR........................A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS...............................SECOND COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE...............A LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM...............A PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM.............................RIGHT NEAR KILLED HIM
SEIZURE.............................ROMAN EMPEROR
TERMINAL ILLNESS.............GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
TUMOR..............................MORE THAN ONE
URINE...............................OPPOSITE OF YOU'RE OUT
VARICOSE.........................NEARBY

[TVF]

Whacker (noun): Any EMT, Firefighter, Rescue Worker
who enjoys his job simply for the pleasure of...

1. Hearing their own voice on the radio

2. Using lights and sirens on the ambulance/fire truck

3. Using lights and sirens on their personal vehicle

4. A life time subscription to Galls because of the sheer amount of stuff ordered from them

5. Having more stuff on their work belt then Batman

6. Only showing up (whether they were dispatched or not) for the 'good calls'(car rollovers, structure fires, High angle rescues)

7. Once in while having patient contact

8. Wearing anything that has their fire company on it so they can get 50% off in stores or food

9. Wearing their Class A uniforms to parades and to public events

10. Driving around with a bumper sticker that says... "My wife/husband said ‘if I go to the fire house one more time I'm going to leave you'...boy I'm going to miss her/him..."

11. Taking their lunch break and going to the fire house

12. Calling their favorite Rig or engine "my baby"

13. Sneaking out of their house at 2:30 in the morning so they can go wax their "BABY"

14. Having pictures at work of their "BABY" and keeping the pictures of their real children at home

15. Having at least one room full of Fire and EMS stuff

16. When on vacation visiting the local Fire and EMS departments

[HOBBES]

All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. They left out a complete listing of all his surviving sons and daughters. A corrected paragraph follows:

He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons: Sooflay, a restauranteur; Guday, who lives in Australia; Huray, a sports fanatic; Sashay, who is gay; Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa; Sayhay, a baseball player; Ojay, a stalker and murderer; Gulay, a singer and entertainer; Ebay, an internet entrepreneur; Biliray, a country music star; Ecksray, a radiologist; Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders; Raygay, who lives in Jamaica; and Tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters: Lattay, a coffee-shop owner; Bufay, a big eater; Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company; Phayray, an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner; Ollay, who lives in Mexico; and Gudlay, a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family

[Admiral]

All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. They left out a complete listing of all his surviving sons and daughters. A corrected paragraph follows:

He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons: Sooflay, a restauranteur; Guday, who lives in Australia; Huray, a sports fanatic; Sashay, who is gay; Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa; Sayhay, a baseball player; Ojay, a stalker and murderer; Gulay, a singer and entertainer; Ebay, an internet entrepreneur; Biliray, a country music star; Ecksray, a radiologist; Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders; Raygay, who lives in Jamaica; and Tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters: Lattay, a coffee-shop owner; Bufay, a big eater; Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company; Phayray, an actress; Sapheway, a grocery store owner; Ollay, who lives in Mexico; and Gudlay, a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned by the family

Dave,

That is just too funny.

[etsmyers]

Subject: The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.






1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his siste r is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfrien d.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos... Ever... Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both; that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the ph one. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of e ach is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

[dotsresq]

[ame="http://youtube.com/watch?v=Pi73GfqLjbQ&mode=related&search="]YouTube - Battle of New Orleans[/ame]

[grunt30]

$hit! isn't that the truth!!!....I love the fact that they knew it was commin and it was a biggen....but everyone wanted to ride out the breezy winds and the light rains.... only people you got to blame is yourself..DIP$HITS

[dotsresq]

i don't think it gets any more correct than that.

[grunt30]

pu$$y ***** dog, or crazy fuK!n cat?

[grunt30]

AIRLINE LAUGHS

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to
fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for
those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>> >> >
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>> >> >
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>> >> >
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
>> >> >
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>> >> >
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
>> >> >
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>> >> >
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
>> >> >
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mo de.
>> >> >
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
>> >> >
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>> >> >
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>> >> >
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>> >> >
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
>> >> >
And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Have a nice day.

[Follow_me]

And now a word from our sponsor...

Sorry guys, so close to the season I had to post it LOL....

[bear10retired]

SPEEDEE GONZALS.. GETS NAB'D... NO ABLEE POR VOR VOR....

Man Calls 911 When Denied Club Entrance...



CALIFORNIA.......

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW ENGLAND....

KFC- INFESTATION--Rat-Infested KFC Passed Inspection 1 Day Earlier....
COMPUTER OPPS----Toddler, 2, Receives Summons For Jury Duty....

[TVF]

10 reasons to date a Firefighter

1. They run in for you when everyone else runs out.

2. We are ready 24/7.

3. We find em' hot leave them wet.

4. We know how to hit all the Hot Spots.

5. We like it hot.

6. We like to work in confined spaces.

7. To us...everything is better hot and steamy.

8. We always wear protection.

9. They're good and trained to do anything.

10. Not many can say they are dating a HERO.

[Rescue Co. Man]

Kroger supermarket

The new Kroger supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[bear10retired]

and this is why i miss the days of cabin and 'ye ole out house'...NOT...

[I.T. 25]

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Bushcronium."

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for Bushcronium is "W". Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

[bear10retired]

short live element less then 22 mos to go and it will pass like that gal stone we all may have experienced..

[bear10retired]

TODAYS BRIGHT IDEA....

ITS BEEN LONG SINCE NOTED THAT AUSIE LAND HAS A RABBIT PROBLEM...MAYBE A DINGO PROBLEM.. A HUGE FENCE WAS INSTALLED FOR CONTROL..

NOW HERE IN THE US.. THE SANA MONICA AREA PARK SERVICE HAS THIS.. IDEA.....

Park Rangers: Squirrel Birth Control Worth A Shot

DENVER COLO....Denver Unveils Parking Meters For Homeless

[wmpenn667]

This looks like a job for the Rescue Squad!!!

[bear10retired]

truckies have their can.. this one needs a can opener....

[dotsresq]

Flaming Eggs Ignite Colorado House Fire

A series of unfortunate mistakes led to a house fire that left a Lakewood family homeless Monday.
The fire broke out just before 10 a.m. at a home in the 2400 block of Youngfield Street.
According to fire investigators, a woman was cooking eggs on the stove and turned around to get seasonings. When she turned back around, she found the pan on fire.
The quick-thinking woman grabbed the flaming pan and threw it on the back deck. Unfortunately, it landed near the dried Christmas tree from last December. The blaze quickly spread as the tree went up in flames.
The woman told fire investigators she sent the family dog downstairs to get her 3-year-old daughter. The dog nudged the child up the basement stairs to safety, she said.
No one was injured in the fire and a damage estimate was not immediately available.
Three adults and five children were displaced by the fire and were being aided by the Mile High Chapter of the American Red Cross.

[dotsresq]

Wisconsin Man Burned Trying to Copy Movie Stunt

Attempts to duplicate a movie stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another facing criminal charges.
The men were trying to do a stunt from one of the "Jackass" movies, in which a character lights his genitals on fire.
Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to the criminal complaint. Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment Tuesday in Eau Claire County Court.
Witnesses told police that Anderson, who was drunk, volunteered to do the stunt Sunday after watching the movie, the complaint said.
After Peterson ignited Anderson, he ran into the bathroom, jumped into the tub and put the flames out, according to the complaint. He was taken to Luther Hospital, and eventually treated at the Regions Hospital Burn Unit in St. Paul, Minn., for second-degree burns.
Anderson told police that he didn't want anyone to get in trouble because of the stunt.
Peterson was freed on a $2,000 bond. He has a hearing scheduled April 16. If convicted, he faces up to 10 years in prison.

[Rescue Co. Man]

[ame="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/445498/robotic_beer_launching_refrigerator/"]Robotic Beer Launching Refrigerator - Video[/ame]

[bear10retired]

hey grunt.. not this buds for u...(or your brand)....

[Nozzlenut]

Where do I get one of those fridges? My wife wouldn't know what to do with all her free time.

[bear10retired]

what recycle the empty cans...(censored).....

[chief 63-2]

Holy Shot

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

[chief 63-2]

The claim is that these statements were actually made in Court:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[97C1]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart---"

[97C1]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

[bear10retired]

FROM STATEN ISL....NYC OFFICAL THUMBS NOSE AT....5 BOROs ICE CREAM....More ...

THE ALT NAME COULD CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS....

[SQUAD RIDER]

New Rule for women with tattoos: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your *** and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule for competitive eaters: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait...they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule for candy makers: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule for brides to be: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule for posh restaurants: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule for young mothers: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule for AOL: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years...you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule for the Arizona Republic: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule for bored young men : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule for all women : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule for soft drink manufacturers: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule for the pharmaceutical industry: Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

[bear10retired]

[h1]20 Manhole Covers Stolen From Philly Neighborhood[/h1]
(CBS 3) PHILADELPHIA A suspect was arrested Thursday morning in connection to the thefts of nearly two dozen manhole covers in Northeast Philadelphia.

Authorities said a 38-year-old man was caught red-handed stealing a manhole cover from the 3700 block of Frontenac Street during the early morning hours Thursday.

Police believe the male is responsible for the disappearance of 20 manhole covers from a neighborhood in the 2nd Police District.

Police placed barricades around the exposed manholes and notified the Philadelphia Water Department.



(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc.)

FROM COPPER WIRING AND PLUMBING TO THIS ?...

[Bud]

Sounds like that guy had WAY too much spare time on his hands. Makes me wonder what he was doing with them.

[bear10retired]

FOR THOSE WHO HATE,LOVE OR ARE NEUTRAL ON 'THE SIMPSONS'...THIS WILL CRACK U UP OR MAKE U SICK....

Promotional Stunt Turns 7-Eleven Into Kwik-E-Mart..

now if this was done in middletown or royalton under TMI towers.. then some one would really take notice.....

[EMTChick24]

I wanna be a firefighter


A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a firefighter."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a firefighter."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to
install in your house a pole that will go to the
basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest
thing for a firefighter is to jump off into space and
catch that pole in the middle of the night."


Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a firefighter?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."

[chief 63-2]

I have a daughter and a son and that was just so wrong, but funnier then $hit!!

[bear10retired]

SINCE WE ALL LIKE TO PICK ON BEARS...

"HEY MA, HOW DO I GET DOWN ?''...


Bear on a Wire

[bear10retired]

it was reported in the "patriot news" the the love nest was shut down for multiple false alarms... for those who have been there u know what it is... "INN OF THE DOVE"...

just can bet those love birds in those hot tubs,complain of many things...

[capt42-1]

One day a firefighter and a cop die saving a life. They both went to heaven and at the gates they are told that they both get a pair of wings, but they were told that if they have one dirty thought then they lose their wings.
Well they both were going a long really good with no dirty thoughts. Then about 3 weeks later a real good looking angel walks by and the firefighter turns his head and grin and suddenly his wing fall off, well when he bent over to pick them up the cop’s wings fell off.

[Bud]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, " For Chrissakes!! Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a dump!"

[Bud]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us
both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

[Bud]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[97C1]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in NY.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'knew," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why,
in Glasgow, there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord
there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4
drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place
they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," said t he Irishman. "But it did
happen to me sister."

[97C1]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.