Humor - Fire or Non-Fire Related

[SQUAD RIDER]

Posted Mon 05 June 2006 14:20
Saw this on a blog...

War-Weary American Marine
The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.

My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

[Irideengine55]

You Know You're From or In Pennsylvania If:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup or Mustard".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts that were taller than you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, and Conshohocken.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know ---why you think the way you do. HA HA HA HA

[SQUAD RIDER]

If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS:

Enter Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly.

Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural thing - you wouldn't understand, pal."

Keep your Australian, English, or U.S.A. identity strong. Fly your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise. Demand classes on English and U.S. culture in the Moslem school system.

Demand a local Country driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimizing your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq.

Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws. Insist that local Country, law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of your life or soon be dead. Because it will never happen!! It will not happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq or any other country in the world except right here in Australia or Britain or United States, Land of the naive and stupid, idiotic politically correct politicians!

[SQUAD RIDER]

How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she co uld scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "c ruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to ta ke her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid

[capt42-1]

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy:"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing alright."
Indian: Look of shock
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

[bear10retired]

A MEDICAL SEMINAR NEAR U....

Subject: muscular contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that
this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the
front row and said, "Do you know what your a** hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably deer hunting
with his buddies."

[97C1]

An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[giggles46]

That Is Just Waaaay Too Funny, Chief!

[grunt30]

very funny and completely gross! but none the less hilarous!

[97C1]

book report...
Incredibly Identical!

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart *** student turned in the following book report, with
the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool professor

gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent
catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there , either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same
thing.

[bear10retired]

and many want hilary for the next pres...need any more be said...then maybe todays headlines..

http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/senator-clinton-says-rumsfeld-should/20060803184509990045?ncid=NWS00010000000001

[97C1]

"Are My Testicles Black"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him
a partial sponge bath."Nurse", he mumbles,
from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body
and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?" Concerned that he
may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and
moving them around. Then, she takes a close
look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[bear10retired]

WHATS NEXT....
http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/china-bans-simpsons-from-prime-time/20060813124009990001?_ccc=6&cid=842

[BillyO]

FEDERAL SIGNAL SIREN TONES

http://www.fedsig.com/multimedia/sirens/index.php

[bear10retired]

A TRADITION ENDS..

No more weddings 24/7 in Vegas

Starting next week, Las Vegas visitors won't be able to get married at any hour of day or night anymore.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14468672/from/ET/http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14468672/from/ET/

[bear10retired]

FOR JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT...(NOT DIET COKE)......HERE IS 'FORBES' LIST OF ....

Forbes.com's Top Drinking Cities




1. Milwaukee
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul
3. Columbus, Ohio
4. Boston
5. Austin, Texas
6. Chicago
7. Cleveland
8 Pittsburgh
9. Philadelphia
9. Providence, R.I. (tied)
11. St. Louis
12. San Antonio
13. Seattle
14. Las Vegas
15. Denver/Boulder
16. Cincinnati
16. Kansas City (tied)
18. Houston
19. Portland, Ore.
20. San Francisco-Oakland
20. Washington-Baltimore (tied)
22. Phoenix
23. Los Angeles
24. New Orleans
24. Tampa (tied)
26. Norfolk
27. Dallas-Fort Worth
28. Atlanta
28. Detroit (tied)
30. Indianapolis
31. Orlando
32. New York
33. Miami
34. Charlotte, N.C.
35. Nashville

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

[bear10retired]

AND JUST TO STICK W THE THEME ONE MORE TIME..
Wife Runs Over Husband Sleeping In Driveway

Man Says He'd Been Drinking Alcohol


POSTED: 7:44 am CDT August 24, 2006


ROGERS, Ark. -- An Arkansas man who fell asleep in his driveway woke up when his wife came home and turned into the driveway to park the car and ran over him.
Kristine Bolson told the Benton County Sheriff's Office that she drove into her driveway shortly after midnight Tuesday and heard a loud cracking sound. She said that when she got out of her vehicle, she heard moaning and found her husband, Richard Gonzalez, on the ground near her vehicle. Bolson said she did not initially see her husband in the driveway.

A sheriff's reports said Gonzales told them he had been drinking and he must have passed out. He was treated at a hospital for scratches and bruises.

Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.

[grunt30]

wow. i can remember a lotta times that i feel like i 've been run over by a vehicle but never actually have been. i'd much rather have a nasty hangover then get run over.

[97C1]

Jason, I'm sure your parents are proud of your look on life!

[grunt30]

hahhah- not to mention the old man can still out drink me and still stand up without falling over, maybe someday i can do the same.

[97C1]

That's an exciting goal to set for yourself young man. I know one thing, you'll never catch your dad.

[bear10retired]

DISCLAIMER: THE ITEM BELOW IS OPEN FOR INTERPRETATION.. AS SUCH...


Firefighters battle small brush fire on Michael Jackson's ranch

(CNN) -- A brush fire on Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch burned more than 30 acres Friday afternoon, but no structures on the property were threatened and no one was evacuated, according to Bruce Carter, a spokesman for Santa Barbara County.

About 100 firefighters were on the scene fighting the fire, which broke out at 2:11 p.m. (5:11 p.m. ET), Carter said. A helicopter was also dropping water on the fire, which was burning in light grass.

Jackson has been living outside the United States since his acquittal of child molestation charges in June 2005.


(Posted 7:55 p.m.)

[97C1]

This just in....

The Boston Globe
August 21, 2006

Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
Parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.



=

[Rescue Co. Man]

WOW, Im going to go to court and say I want to be in custody of a Paid Fire Department some where LOL!!!!

[97C1]

I assure you Chris, YOU WILL GET BEAT!!!! lollol!!

[grunt30]

Chris- we'd have to pay a fire co to take you,

[TVF]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[TVF]

Q: If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
|
|
|
|
|
|
\|/
V

A. K9P

[bear10retired]

IN LITE OF THE Ky PLANE CRASH I THOUGHT THIS WAS APPROPRIATE FOR SEMI COIN TOSS AS HUMOR.. TAKE IT AS ITS NEWS....

PILOT locked out of cockpit after toilet break
POSTED: 3:12 p.m. EDT, August 30, 2006

var clickExpire = "09/13/2006";

OTTAWA, Ontario (Reuters) -- The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in, the airline said on Wednesday.
The incident occurred aboard a flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg on Saturday. The regional jet, capable of carrying 50 people, was operated by Air Canada's Jazz subsidiary.
Jazz spokeswoman Manon Stewart said that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open.
"The door malfunctioned ... this is a very rare occurrence," Stewart said, adding that the crew's decision to remove the door had been in line with company policy.
A report in the Ottawa Citizen newspaper said that for about 10 minutes "passengers described seeing the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone, but being unable to open the door."
Stewart said the paper's report was "a bit dramatic" and stressed that at no time had the plane or passengers been in danger. She did not say how many people had been on board.


Copyright 2006 Reuters. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

[429cobrajet]

Ackroyd, Buscemi join firefighter comedy



LOS ANGELES, Aug. 23 (UPI) -- The cast of the Hollywood film, "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," has expanded with the signings of Dan Ackroyd and Steve Buscemi.
Kevin James, Adam Sandler and Jessica Biel were already on board Dennis Dugan's comedy about two firefighters who falsely claim to be a G@y couple to receive benefits from the government, The Hollywood Reporter said.
James and Sandler will take on the film's title roles while Ackroyd will step in as their fire chief and Buscemi will play a suspicious city official bent on exposing their ruse.
The Universal Pictures film is scheduled for a 2007 release.


Copyright Political Gateway 2006©
Copyright United Press International 2006


What do you think?

[bear10retired]

And Now A Flash Back.. Sgt Bilco....any One.. Can't Wait...

[bear10retired]

A BY STANDER WOULD BE DOUBLE TAKING THIS ONE..YOUR CHOICE.....


Employee loses control of squad at car wash


Several vehicles damaged, 2 hurt

CHICAGO.......

September 16, 2006 - Several vehicles were damaged at the car wash at Harlem and Randolph in west suburban Forest Park when a squad car got away from an employee.
Witnesses tell police that a car wash employee was moving the police car out of the wash and lost control of it. It sped out into traffic, hitting cars and two people. The extent of their injuries is not known
The employee driving the police car took off on foot but was arrested two blocks away. No charges have been filed.

[97C1]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"


For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about
The plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
On TV, the old man shouted ...




"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[bear10retired]

tis the season or basically.."el sicko"
PETA upset at Six Flags roach-eating contest




September 24, 2006 (GURNEE, Ill.) - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Six Flags Great America to scrap its Halloween-themed cockroach-eating promotion. A spokeswoman for the animal rights organization says the contest at the amusement park's FrightFest is "gratuitously cruel."
The park in Gurnee, Illinois, is joining other Six Flags parks in offering unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who eats a live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The bugs are up to three inches long.
The contest begins next month. Amusement park officials are defending their menu choice. Great America spokesman Jim Taylor says the bugs are nutritious, high in protein and fat free.

On the Net:


Six Flags, http://www.sixflags.com
PETA, http://www.peta.org
(Copyright 2006 by The Associated Press.)


left out the file pix...

[Rescue Co. Man]

http://www.break.com/jackass2/jackas...ose_rodeo.html

[bear10retired]

Drunk and Disorderly Bear ON APPLE..... "SAUCE"...




October 4, 2006 - Colorado Division of Wildlife Officers were called to a school near Boulder on Tuesday to deal with a drunk and disorderly... bear.
That's right a drunken bear.
The wobbly bear was spotted in a neighborhood in Lyons, near Boulder and she was having a hard time walking. Officers say the bear was probably drunk from eating fermented apples. They say this is the time of year the bears eat constantly to store fat for their winter hibernation.
The bear was near Lyons Elementary School as the students were arriving for class, so they were rushed into the school gym and kept there as a precaution. Officers used a bean bag gun to stun the bear and then tranquilized her. She will be tagged and returned to the wild after she has slept it off. We imagine



ABC NEWS...

[bear10retired]

MYTHICAL FLUTE PLAYER WANTED FOR RODENT POPULATION REMOMAL....
Apopka Holds Town Meeting On Mouse Infestation


POSTED: 12:07 pm EDT October 9, 2006
UPDATED: 1:21 pm EDT October 9, 2006


APOPKA, Fla. -- Apopka is being run over by mice. Late Monday morning, the city held a town hall meeting to try to figure out what can be done about the rodent problem.

Workers with the health department were going into neighborhoods, Monday, where they've had a lot of complaints. They're actually handing out bags with traps inside and bait.

Several people came to city hall Monday to attend the meeting. Representatives from the health department, code enforcement, city and water management district all pledged help.

Residents were being asked to mow lawns, close up spaces so the rodents can't get into homes and set the traps and bait around their property.

The city of Apopka said its workers were mowing public right-of-ways over the weekend.

Back in 1999, there was a rodent infestation in Apopka and officials never really found out why. Some thought it had something to do with the flooding of areas around Lake Apopka.

The water district said that's definitely not going on this time.

If you live in Apopka and would like to get some mouse traps, you can pick them up at the downtown Apopka fire station, the West Orange Avenue fire station in Apopka, the Sheeler Road fire station or the Zellwood fire station.

Copyright 2006 by wftv.com.

[TVF]

A New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this
really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts
trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally you drink the lime
juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks - this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....

In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he
finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus,
what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge!"

[bear10retired]

UNWELCOME GUEST....
Three Trappers Needed To Catch 9-Foot Gator At Hotel


POSTED: 12:58 pm EDT October 11, 2006
UPDATED: 6:09 pm EDT October 11, 2006

TITUSVILLE, Fla. -- An uninvited guest checked in Wednesday at a Titusville hotel. A 9-foot alligator parked himself underneath a parked car at the Hampton Inn and it was a fight to let him check out..

[bear10retired]

DUKE: the secret is out....
Spilled Cans Of Baked Beans Close I-4


POSTED: 7:38 am EDT October 12, 2006
UPDATED: 7:46 am EDT October 12, 2006

A semi filled with baked beans overturned and spilled hundreds of cans of the food on Interstate 4 in the Debary, Fla., area, prompting authorities to close the road, according to Local 6 News.

The crash happened on I-4 at about 3:30 a.m. near the Seminole County line and continued to keep traffic at a complete stop during rush hour Thursday.

"If you are traveling from Volusia County and trying to make your way into Seminole County, it is not going to happen -- not this morning," Local 6's traffic reporter Secily Wilson said. "There are hundreds of cans of baked beans on the road.

Wilson said there appeared to be at least a 5-mile backup and a 30 minute drive time to get through the stretch of roadway.

"There is really no easy way to get around here," Wilson said.

Crews were working to clear the road Thursday morning.



Local 6 News

[BillyO]

Ross the intern as "FIREMAN ROSS"


http://video.nbc.com/player.html?dlid=25390


I'd advise no beverages while you watch this.
Did I mention no beverages ?

[TVF]

You might not have known this, but a lot of inanimate objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turnedoff, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductiv device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their a$s.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

[BillyO]

Here's one for all you pervs out there. Don't worry, it's clean, but ya' might be shocked!

Btw, Happy Halloween!


http://www.clipshack.com/Clip.aspx?key=A7FB75FE91F945EE

[grunt30]

$hit! i just spilled my gatorade everywhere and now everyone think i was skrewin aroud at work and with that scream i'm thinking that everyone's sure i just killed someone!

[97C1]

MontanaCattle Rancher

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-highresolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hitech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[97C1]

Highway Patrol Interview:

Three people were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

They all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so
forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first applicant and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice
any distinguishing features about this man?"

The applicant immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye
in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first
applicant hung his head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second applicant, stuck the photo in
his face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other applicant? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second
applicant sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last applicant and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......" He flashed the
photo in his face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The applicant said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at him with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
picture?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one
ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[Pit Turtle]

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50.

When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "This situation is right here in the fire schedule rating table.

The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

[grunt30]

Father and Son Talk:

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

www.ebaumsworld.com

[grunt30]

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

-ebaumsworld.com

[bear10retired]

MANY SIDES CAN BE TAKEN W THIS STORY.. BUT ILL LET IT AS SUCH..

AGAIN NATUREs EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.....DARTH FURBALL


Postal Worker Attacked by Raging Rodent


Matt O'Donnell's Morning Update

By Matt O'Donnell

November 2, 2006 - A squirrel went beserk in western Pennsylvania, leaving a postal worker scratched, scraped and traumatized.

It happened Monday in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh. Barb Dougherty, who has worked for the Postal Service for three decades, was delivering mail along her route like she always does.

She was placing some letters in a mailbox, and turned around only to notice a squirrel making a b-line for her. The animal ran up her leg, crawled up her back, and started clawing away.

Dougherty somehow got a hold of the squirrel's tail, and pulled it off. A neighbor heard her screams and arrived to help.

Doughtery was treated at the hospital for her wounds, and was given a rabies shot just in case. Meanwhile, authorities located the squirrel, and killed it with a BB gun. The animal will undergo tests to see if it is indeed affected by rabies.

We have heard of dogs pursuing the mailman, but a squirrel? Has this ever happened before?

"In about 230 years of postal history, I bet it is not the first, but I've personally never heard of another squirrel biting," said Steve Kochersperger, spokesman for the Erie postal district.

Squirrels are actually quite docile animals. They are far more interested in gathering nuts for the winter, than finding people to munch on.
Could there be more Cujo-like rodents lurking around the corner?

"We are not issuing a squirrel alert," says Steve Jolley, a Postal Service manager in Oil City, "but everyone is aware of the incident."

ITS A SHAME I CAN NOT MAKE A PIX AS WANTED POSTER.. OR MUG SHOT W NUMBERS... BUT....RAY STEVENS WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS..

[BillyO]

In today's Patriot, and many other news sources, an article reports

SEAFOOD, FISH SUPPLY FALLING, REPORT WARNS

... and the lead author's name is non other than -
(Ya' ready for this ? )

boris WORM !!!

[bear10retired]

WHERE'S THE BEEF....NEWARK, NJ......
'Who let the Bull out? woof, woof, woof..'


An urban cowboy lassoed a runaway bull in Newark

This is not a joke, but a wild bull was caught running the streets in Newark, NJ.

Read Story

Related:

• Images from the Story

NO BULL ?...

[bear10retired]

giving new meaning to the words "taken a dump"...

[Full Story]

[bear10retired]

VOTING DAY... CAGE RATTLE....
Investigation: Nearly 13,000 Dead Voters Still On Registry

Prosecutor Says He Will Prosecute Anyone Who Cast Vote In Dead Person's Name


POSTED: 4:53 pm EST November 3, 2006
UPDATED: 11:19 am EST November 6, 2006

CLEVELAND -- After watching the 5 On Your Side investigation on dead voters, Cuyahoga County prosecutor Bill Mason said he will prosecute anyone who knowingly cast a vote in the place of a dead person.
In his report, NewsChannel5 chief investigator Duane Pohlman uncovered dozens of votes being cast from the grave, and Mason said the trouble is just beginning for whomever is responsible for casting votes in the name of the dead.
"This really is an attack on the entire system, and it's of paramount importance that we find out how this is happening and we stop it so it can't happen again, one, and, two, find out who's doing it, so we can prosecute them if possible," said Mason.
So-called "ghost voting" is a felony, and Cuyahoga County Board of Elections Director Michael Vu has already launched an investigation into the problem.
"We will investigate that, send it to the county prosecutor's office and determine what had occurred," Vu said.
Mason said prosecution is possible only if the investigation can prove intent.
NewsChannel5 compared the county's voter registration rolls with death records from the Social Security Administration, finding 12,688 people who have died but are still registered to vote.
Many of the dead voters passed away years ago, and a good number of them more than a decade ago.
Vu said slow reporting combined with federal rules require him to keep dead people in the registry.
"It's something that needs to be corrected," he said.
Rep. Dennis Kucinich, stunned by what was uncovered, said he will help do the correcting.
Kucinich said the investigation has convinced him to introduce a bill to clean up all voter registration rolls and close the gap on corruption.
"One thing is for sure: There is an opening here for the commission of fraud that needs to be close," he said.


Part I

Part II
Dead Voters Registry


Copyright 2006 by NewsNet5

[bear10retired]

NATURE WANTS THE CASH....
Deer 'Breaks In' To Local Bank, Escapes Uninjured

A deer crashed through a window at Mellon in the Waterworks Mall this morning

Raw Video: Deer Runs Out Of Local Bank | Deer Stuck In Bank, Makes Escape

Slideshows: Deer "Breaks In" To Mellon Financial Building | Surveillance Camera Photos

(KDKA) PITTSBURGH A burglar alarm alerted authorities to an unusual break-in at a local financial institution this morning; when they arrived, they found the four-legged intruder still inside the building.

According to police, a deer crashed through a window at Mellon Financial on Freeport Road in the Waterworks Mall.

"We got a call that there was a burglar alarm here at Mellon bank," explains Pittsburgh Police Officer Cheryl Watson. "On my way here, I got another call that there was a deer stuck in the window. By the time I arrived, the window was broken, all shattered up, and the deer was inside."

The deer became frightened once inside and retreated to the back of the building.

Officials tried to lure the deer out of the bank with food to no avail.

When Animal Rescue arrived around 8:30am, the deer apparently decided to make a break for it.

Branch Manager Michael Babjak describes the animal's exodus. "He apparently leaped over this desk, knocked over the pens and things and hit the coffee pot and out the window he went again – same way he came in."

Once outside the bank, the deer ran through the parking lot and over a guardrail into the woods.

Fortunately, the animal did not appear to be injured.

"It didn't look injured at all," Officer Watson adds, "which was a good thing."

"I can't believe that something could crash through a window that thick and not be hurt," Babjak adds, "he ran back out of here when it was all over."

Though the deer may be gone, crews are left to deal with the aftermath of this morning's melee. A security company has been working repairing the broken window.

(© MMVI, CBS Broadcasting Inc.)

[GRFD59]

Bear, I thought this was to be humor/ jokes not TV story telling time

[Pit Turtle]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left
side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and
the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?



Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

[doc]

What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on TV?

The Philadelphia Eagles

What do The Reverend Billy Graham and the Philadelphia Eagles have in common?

Either one, on any given Sunday afternoon, can get 70,000 people to stand up and yell, "Jesus Christ!"

How do you keep the Philadelphia Eagles out of your yard?

Put up a goal post.

ba dump bump...

[Admiral]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left
side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and
the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?



Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're drunk.

Greg,

that was one of your best posts ever.

ROFLMAO

[RAMIUS]

Subject: Fw: Philosophy of sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve
Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." --Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn
Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist." --Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." --George Burns

'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's
reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." --Jack
Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US
First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing
in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know
what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'" --Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++